The demanding.. it needs to stop.
This week my head has been treacherous. Words have been circling through my mind over and over. They don’t stop. Your words, my words, his words, her words, their opinions, their words. It’s exhausting.
Too many times I’ve opened my computer to write something here, but of all the words in my head there were none that made sense written out. None that got across how extremely utterly tired I am. How awful I feel.
People love to ask things of me. I’ve always been the one to pretend like I don’t care about people while simultaneously bending over backwards just to please them. When it comes to most things myself goes on the back burner. I would rather others be happy that me.
But I can’t do it right. No matter what I can’t do it right. None of them are happy, and this is only ripping me further and further from the people who only want to wrap me up and love me.
I am so selfish and so selfless at the same time. I don’t know if I hide for selfish reasons or selfless ones. I’m scared to open my mouth and make a decision. I’m tired of hearing what other people think. I’m tired of talking about it. The same conversation over and over and over. It replays every single day like they think the answers will change.
They both look at me with longing and distaste. They look at each other with resentment and confusion and a weird sense of sameness.
They don’t know how this is ripping me apart, but I can’t even cry myself to sleep because every single night one of them is there begging for my attention and affection. I can’t seem to get a moment of clarity. I haven’t had a night alone in weeks.
At night I toss and turn in my sleep. My dreams are nightmares. Which boy will comfort me? The one who caresses my face to stop my shakes? The one who talks to me in my sleep and tells me how much he cares for me? The one who wraps me up when I wake up for even a second? Kisses me on the back of the head and says “I’ve got you.”
Or what about the other boy? The boy who has rolled over and ignored my terrors? Told me to go back to sleep because it’s not real? The one whose voiced his annoyance at my waking habits? Who thinks that if he reminds me that it’s not real then it will just go away.
The choice seems obvious, but then again..
There’s the boy with the history. The one whom I’ve spent years with. Built castles with and torn them apart. Shared some of the deepest parts of me with. Yet the one who was still distant and mistrusting. The one who struggled with vulnerability and stability and adventure. I’ve met his family and his friends. We fit so well together. He offers stability, home, the familiar. He offers growth that may or may not happen. He offers the chance to settle my demons and not stir them up by having to speak on them all over again. He offers comfort and mornings with no makeup and better sex and bigger clothes and teddy bear hugs. I like his friends and they like me. His family does too. We have a cat together and we inspire each other, fuel each other’s creativity.
But then there’s the other. The broken boy whose heart is hurting, who just wants to be loved, who just wants to love someone. The boy who has never seen a good relationship. Doesn’t know that people will truly care, truly stay in his life, truly have his best intentions at heart. The boy who has trusted me from the start, opened parts of himself that are dark and frightening and troublesome, who has encouraged my vulnerability and been there to comfort me when I manage to speak. But he is also possessive and clingy. He wants to know what I’m doing, and he manipulates in small ways, tells half truths to ease situations or seem like the good guy or the victim. The one who told his family about me too soon, and who uses his past as ammo. He is petty and a bit immature. He has little stability, and thinks that he needs me to make himself better not just himself. His self esteem is low, his motivation lower. He has done drugs and joined gangs and lived on the streets. A rough life that has hardened him and tendered him at the same time. A boy who doesn’t think he deserves anything, but swears he wants to show me the world.
It’s a hard choice, a choice that isn’t fair and doesn’t make sense. A choice that I don’t want to make.
Two boys with so many flaws yet so many beautiful qualities. Two boys who care and only want what makes me the most happy. Two boys who know they could lose what they crave, but are willing to take that risk for the chance of winning.
Two boys who I don’t want to lose. Whose hearts I don’t want to break.
I’m afraid I’ll have to do it anyways.
Wish me luck I guess.. (I’m gonna need it)