Want to know something absolutely disgusting?
Today I had to go to work in a pair of pants that was covered in cat piss because my cats are awful and I only have one pair of work pants. No amount of perfume can cover this up. I even tried scrubbing them with soap and water in the work bathroom because I would rather be soaking wet than smell like cat piss, but it didn’t really work and now I feel so gross.
I just want to go home. I need a shower and I’m having awful cramps and my manager is a dick and I want to go get free donuts with V.
So a little update I guess.
I’m still working at Taco Bell. It sucks. They expect me to give them everything, but treat me like shit and pay me like shit. I guess that’s corporate America for you though. I try not to complain too much though because at least I have a job. I could be working harder to get a new one anyways.
I have a boyfriend now. You’ll see me refer to him as V or Vic for now until I get a better nickname for him. It’s weird shit honestly. I met him at work. He’s like the only actual good thing to come out of Taco Bell. He came onto me hardcore the first time we worked together and I was so not into it. I joked around with him, but I was very whatever about it. He’s hella persistent though. What is it with me and persistent guys? I seem to have a thing for guys I don’t like who keep trying over and over till I cave. I actually really really like him though. I didn’t think I would. Lex is very supportive of it, and I’m grateful for that because everyone else I’ve told about him seem to think he’ll just be a rebound. I don’t know.. maybe he will, but right now it doesn’t feel like that. All I know is he’s so sweet (even though he swears he’s not) and I don’t wanna hurt him. I wish he had a better taste in music though. I can’t listen to emo shit all day god damn.
I’m worried about what my family will say. He’s definitely not the pristine successful Christian man, preferably white, who they want for me. He’s actually quite the opposite. He’s not pristine or successful (yet because he has so much potential he just needs a push). He’s not Christian and he’s not white (surprise surprise). He’s not black though which actually is a surprise for me.
I met his mom today. She was nice for the short tome we talked, but if she doesn’t like me I mean.. it’s not that deep. I already don’t respect her. She likes me from what he’s said though. I really need my parents to like him though if this is gonna work. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with their approval. I just.. I want to do something in my life that they look at and go “Yes. That’s my daughter and she’s so smart for doing that. I really support her choices.” Who knows if that will ever happen.
Then there’s Lil chip. Yeah we’re still friends. I told V about it, and he wasn’t thrilled. He said he wasn’t gonna tell me not to be friends with him, but he gets jealous. It’s starting to seem like my New York trip might not happen.. I wanna do right by V and I don’t want to do anything to upset him or make him not trust me, but Jesus Christ I really want to go on this trip. I’ve been planning it with Lil Chip since the beginning of the year.
More updates. I’m taking summer classes. They’re going fine I guess. They aren’t too hard just extra shit to do.
I’ve actually been hanging out with some friends and stuff. G getting out of the house? I know right, crazy.
I officially canceled my doctors appointment psych shit today. I had been rescheduling it, but I can’t afford it right now. I’m still going to therapy thought, and I still like it. My trich hasn’t gotten any better though. I’ve been trying so hard, but today they are driving me crazy. If I don’t pull I might lose my shit. V keeps asking me why I won’t take my makeup off, but I’m too scared to tell him. I said I would one day, but he keeps pestering me about it. I’m scared he won’t like me if he knows. He doesn’t seem like that type, but I don’t know.. that’s a level of vulnerable I’m not prepared to be yet.
V keeps asking why I won’t let him in my head. He’s trying so hard, and I want to let him in I do really especially since he’s told me some serious stuff, but I’m so scared of that shit. It seems like every time I trust someone they throw it back in my face. I’m feeding him tidbits. We’ll see how long I last before I just break down completely. he does seem to get it though. More than anyone else has. He has his demons. He’s the only person who has ever seen the scars on my upper arm and asked what I used to make them instead of where did they come from. It’s kind of chilling that he knows like that, but also nice because I didn’t have to come up with a dumb story about it because he just gets it. He’s been there. He knows.
My plans for the fall are murky. I might end up staying here for longer than I thought. It’s okay though. As long as I get out soon.
V gets my desire for travel. He would do it with me. The other day we were smoking with this guy from work. (Well not me) and he was like what are y’all tryna do. V chimed up for me and said “she wants to travel.” It made me happy that he approves of that and is down for it.
I’m on break at work, and I’m out in my car listening to my depression playlist and messing up my makeup. Almost time for me to go back. Two and half more hours and I’m home free.
Wish me luck you guys.