throwing up your memory

I don’t even know what to write. Why do I even write on this blog? For me? For you guys? For someone in the future? I don’t know..

All I do know is that I’m sick. Sick and twisted and rotting dying inside. I feel like my mind and my heart are rotting away with every day I live, every breath I take.

I can’t sleep, don’t want to because when I do my mind is flooded with horrible images. Images that make me hate myself, and the people in my life. Images that haunt me, replay over and over in my mind, leave me a mess. They are monsters in my head that my mind obsesses over. Images so anxiety ridden that I wake up to panic attacks, to my chest so tight I can barely breathe. I wake up feeling like i’m dying, or would rather die than relive my nightmares.

So I try to stay awake. I try so hard, but I always end up slipping away eventually. And recently you are the one whose been flooding my mind. You with your stupid ways and your stupid love that meant nothing. All the horrible things you say to me in my head, the way you treat me, flaunt yourself around, ignore me, hurt me, prove that you are happy without me.
I wake up and I feel sick, but all I can throw up is bile or water because there’s nothing on my stomach, so I lay in bed begging for the thoughts to go away, but they never do. They follow me throughout the day, every day. They curse me.

Pain is ridiculous, and it’s clear that in this situation I am the only one feeling it. If I could erase every memory of you just for this to stop I would. I don’t care anymore. Fuck four years, they weren’t worth what I’m dealing with now.
Maybe one day I’ll change my mind, but I have to make it to one day first.
We’ll see if that actually happens.

Wish me luck I guess
– G

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