The anger is festering this morning.
I can’t explain it, but I am just so so so livid.
It’s one of those calm angers that starts in your gut and bubbles up like a lava lamp until you are are shaking, dying to explode, dying to lash out at everyone around you, dying to hurt, to feel, to inflict pain upon others.
I am so angry I could cry. I can feel the tears behind my face. The pressure builds up, my face grows tight, I can feel the water behind my eyes trying to burst forth.
I am so angry I could scream, punch a wall, throw things, destroy my room, scream so loudly and so deathly that the neighbors are afraid, that my voice is destroyed, that my anger and sorrow are belted out into the world.
I am so angry I could snap. I could lash out at those I love, those who love me, and put breaches in our relationships. So angry I could say the most hateful things, things that would make them hurt, make them feel worse than I feel.
I am so angry I could fight. Anyone, any place, any time. I could fight with fists or words or both. I just want to scream. I just want to rage.I just want to know that I am hurting someone else. I want them to share my pain.
I am so angry that I could leave. I could cut them off, never speak to them again. Leave this town and these people and not tell them where I am going or when i’ll be back… if i’ll be back. Delete my social media, change my name, start a new life without the fake aura that surrounds my current one.
I am so angry I could tell the truth. I could drop my facade, and my personas. I could quit lying straight to their faces. I could spill my guts, and then spill theirs.
I am so angry. I hate it, but I can’t escape it.
Wish me luck