but i do, and it’s killing me

I don’t get to worry about you

I don’t get to wonder who you are

I don’t get to wonder where you are

I don’t get to be obsessed when you hang out with people I don’t know

Or jealous when you’re around girls

Or frazzled when I haven’t heard from you in a couple hours

I don’t get to be angry when you don’t talk to me

I don’t get to cry when you aren’t there for me

I don’t get to wish your body was beneath my sheets

I don’t get to wish you were real to me

I’m not allowed to speak my real mind

I’m not allowed to be too close

I’m not allowed to be upset when plans don’t work out

I’m not allowed to see your family

I’m not allowed to act how we used to

I’m not allowed to do all my fun things with you

I’m not supposed to always wish it was you who was with me

I’m not supposed to think about you constantly

I’m not supposed to obsess over your days and what you are doing or thinking

I’m not supposed to worry about your future now

I’m not supposed to dream about you

I’m not supposed to care for you so hard

I’m not supposed to long for a future that will never happen

I’m not supposed to tear myself apart to make you happy

I shouldn’t be jealous and fume when it’s not me

I shouldn’t worry if they are there, if they are better

I shouldn’t wonder if you are thinking about me, missing me

I shouldn’t spend every moment of my free time talking or hanging with you

I shouldn’t cancel plans with my friends to accommodate you

I shouldn’t be that desperate for your time and attention

I shouldn’t latch onto to any tiny inkling of care you give me

I shouldn’t let you hurt me like this

I shouldn’t expect you to love me

But I do… I do all of these things. Every single one every single day. It’s exhausting and frustrating, upsetting and angering, demeaning and unstable and insane.

I shouldn’t try and make sense of thinks that have no sense to them.

But I do every day, and it’s killing me.

Wish me luck I guess.

– G

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One thought on “but i do, and it’s killing me

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