I can feel the days growing pointless. Feel that numbing sense returning. The one that surrounds anything I enjoy and coats it in a film of distaste and un-satisfaction.
What is there to be done about it? I don’t know. For nine months I struggled. Nine months, only to be free for one, and then return to the darkness.
It doesn’t seem fair. Is this cycle destined to follow me? Will I be miserable forever? Out of place forever? Confused forever?
It is hard to find a life purpose when you feel like you have none. It is hard to strive for goals when you feel detached from yourself and the world. It is hard to exist when you feel hopeless.
Not too long ago I was ecstatic for my future. Excited about the plans I was working toward. Ready to take action.
Now though.. I don’t care at all. In fact.. I’m not so sure if I care about anything.
One big thing that used to motivate me (or scare me) into trying to push through was the fear of what happens after death, and the pain that would be put on those that love me.
But now? Well I don’t think I care about any of that.
Whatever happens next, it has to be better than this.
Other people? Their emotions, their sadness, their grief.. well that is their problem not mine.
Of course I want the people I love to succeed, but if I am not here to see them fail then in my head they have.
Life is fleeting, yes?
There are so many things I have to look forward to. So many things to strive for, and wait for. So many things to live for.
Yet none of them matter if this pain is forever.
But if you really think about it. I guess nothing hardly matters at all.
Wish me luck I guess.