exist forever

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing smart”

The screen of my crappy overused phone lights up, the one my little sister lent me while I’m too poor to buy a new one. A message from my other sister is on the screen.
“What are you doing tonight?”

I look down at the metal pressing deep into my skin.
“Nothing smart.”

“I don’t have school tomorrow. I could come over and we could do stick and pokes.”

Is God real? Because this isn’t fair. Or maybe it is. Am I worth saving?
I was warming up for the deep one. I was googling gun shop hours. I was trying to figure out where I could get a ladder. I was putting my shoes on to walk to walmart for a rope.

What is this reverse karma? A dog, a friend, a sister? Why must you interfere with the inevitable? Let me do it while I have the guts.

I am trying to be a rain drop splattered on the ground. I am trying to be a whisper in the wind. I am trying to be a memory.

Why do they make it so hard. It should be much easier than this. A pill that puts you to sleep? A silent gift.

I no longer care about anything. No one, not even you. I don’t even know if I care about myself. The answer is probably no.
Your opinion does not matter. Your presence even less. I am happier talking to no one. Happier whispering my secrets to the trees.

I wish to disappear. Casually gone, like the food on your plate. Remembered for a moment, forgotten the next day.

Make my dreams come true. I’m happier not talking to you.
Make my dreams come true. I’m happier not thinking of you.
Make my dreams come true. I’m happier not being near you.

Soon I will be gone. In what way I don’t know. But if I am not gone in some way soon, I am afraid I might exist forever.

Wish me luck.
– G

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