week 18

I’m trying to think of the baby less, but it isn’t working.  It’s a kicker now.  I’m ready for it to be felt on the outside, or rather, M is.  He’s obsessed with the idea.

I’ve grown used to the idea of being pregnant.  I can go through the day and think “yeah, my uterus has a human in it.”

I still think it’s unfair how I didn’t choose this.  How the way I live my life has to change when no one else’s does.  Call it jealousy and immaturity.  I’m trying to recognize that maybe the changes are good, but I’m terrified of my postpartum body.  And postpartum sex.  Eesh.  No way, Jose.  I guess having to take care of myself is a good thing.  Having to sleep more is something that everyone needs.

In a weird way, I’m trying to train my thoughts that I’m on a mission.  Like I have super powers – I have to nourish them, but I also have to contain them.  That’s why no one else has them or has to change.  I know it’s stupid, but whatever gets me through the night, right?

M and I are having a budgeting day tomorrow and I’m more excited than I should be.  Numbers and crunching yayyy.  I took a poll on a pregnancy group I’m in how much kids actually cost, and it turns out that they aren’t that bad.  My mom and I are loading up on diapers.  I’m buying crap at yard sales.  Cheap, cheap, cheap.  The actual cost of the baby once it gets here will be extras that weren’t considered beforehand – as I’m applying for WIC.

Super boring update, I just needed to get it off my chest.  Purpose of this blog, is it not?

If I survive then I’ll see you tomorrow,

Lex

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