My head hurts.
No not a headache. My scalp.
Why you might ask? Because trichotillomania is a bitch.
Recently I have spoken more with my therapist about my trich. We have been working on ways to help it, some including journaling meditation, redirection, hypnotism etc.. yet.. the more I try and work on it the worse it seems to become.
It is as if I am now even more aware of the act, and even less able to control it.
The pulling has not only escalated, it has migrated.
For as long as I can remember I have only pulled at my facial hair. The few times I picked at my scalp were merely out of curiosity, and never gave me any pleasure. In fact I used to be confused on how people could pull the hair from their scalp. It just wasn’t my thing.
Wasn’t… past tense.
Over the last few weeks I have found more and more that my right hand migrates, up, up higher than before. It rests on my head, and my fingers go to work. Picking, messing, until the skin is irritated and I have to pull.
There are two places currently that are being abused. The baby hairs by the left side of my face, and the hair at a specific spot on the top of my scalp, right at the part of my hair toward the back of my head.
The second one has been my location of choice for recently. For the past three days I have been pulling at it, seemingly non-stop. I have pulling so much so that if it continues on for another day or two I will probably begin to notice balding in that area.
I have always said I would never let my trich get to the point of baldness. Yet.. why can’t I stop?
It seems that no matter what I do I am destined to pull, destined to be hairless, bald. Maybe my spirit animal is not a turtle. Maybe it is a naked mole rat, a hairless cat.
I disgust myself with these tendencies. Will I mull over my entire body until not one single inch of me has a hair on it? Will I be satisfied then? Or will the fateful day my hair is gone lead me to pull and pick at my skin until it too is wounded, and broken, and missing.
My scalp hurts. And it’s quite a bummer really because I am trying to do cute things with my hair. I went to a beauty store today and bought items to bleach my roots and tone my hair. The problem is that I have picked at my scalp so much recently that it is sore and wounded. I am afraid that the bleach will burn away at the exposed tissue, but I also don’t want to wait days for this to heal over so that I can do my hair.
You might tell me “G, use your desire for colored hair as motivation to not pull!”
Well yeah I’ve thought of that too. And frankly giving myself incentives doesn’t work trust me. I have used the summer time coming as an incentive to stop pulling every year for the past six years. It has never worked.
I have used acting as an incentive, and prom, and graduation, and holidays, and my birthdays, and so many many things. It is nice in theory. It is not so nice in reality.
My therapist seemed to think that a few magic hypnotism sessions would solve all of my problems. How do I tell him they wont? How do I tell him it hasn’t helped one bit?
How do I get past this? Can I ever? Will I ever?
I am tired of being disgusted with myself. I am tired of feeling the need to hide. All I want one day is to be free.
I hope that one day comes soon.
Wish me luck I guess.