fuck it, mask on

My boss doesn’t have me scheduled to work tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I’m annoyed because not only do I need money, I need distractions.

A “friend” of mine, I’m gonna call her Gemini because she is one and gemeni’s stress me out, was supposed to hang out with me. I honestly don’t think we’ve hung out at all in 2019 whoops.

We probably aren’t even friends technically. I would consider her an acquaintance. Her general existence gets on my nerves, so I don’t put myself in situations where I see her often, but I also like to keep people at an arms length, so they wont think I hate them.
She hasn’t confirmed times yet though, so we might not even hang. This is why I can’t stand Gemeni’s. They’re so flaky and always on some fake shit.

The “hypnosis” my therapist did to help with my trich has not worked at all. it’s just as bad as ever, and even though i’m trying to pull less it is so fucking hard.
I hate this so much. Every year I say i’m going to stop before summer because I want to be able to enjoy the warm weather without worrying about my makeup smudging or sweating off.
I want to be able to run around in spring showers and summer storms without stressing about what my face looks like.
I want to be able to swim with my friends, and enjoy the beach, and go boating with my family without being absolutely terrified of the water.
But i’m failing again. I always do.

I used to love summer. I used to run around barefoot with my sisters and play imaginary games. I used to jump waves with my uncle and have body surfing competitions. I used to lavish in the warm air and the sunshine against my skin.
But now.. summer only brings stress, anxiety, and self hatred.

Summer is a time of hiding. When most people feel free and open I am cowering behind a mask, begging no one to look too closely, to evaluate my life. Summer is supposed to mean fun and adventure, but for me it often means depression and isolation. I don’t want my depression to come back full force. It has been so nice not feeling the constant leech of depression sitting on my chest and sucking the life from my body. But with summer.. it may come back.

In the summer I want to do things. I don’t want to sit in my house all day, but I have few friends and little money. What money I do have i’m trying to save for trips. I know I am going to put a dent in my savings this summer that I shouldn’t. I don’t know why I feel as if this is my last summer to be someone. To do things, to live, to thrive.
For some reason I feel that it is all going to be taken away from me soon.

I long for my childhood back. I think about the summer days with my siblings, picking strawberries and finger painting, and playing tag. The days when mom would kick us all outside and we would run around for hours, the sun turning our skin golden. My mom would call us to the porch and present us with kool-aid and watermelon slices, or popsicles that dripped down our chins.

I miss the fall days when the weather began to grow colder and mom would wrap us up in hats and scarves, the days when raking leaves wasn’t a chore, but a privilege, because once we were done there was a giant pile to tumble into over and over. I miss the family dinners when we would come in from the cold and there would be homemade soup and fresh bread on the table. Dad would say Grace and we all talk over each other until the food was gone. I miss the pumpkin patches we visited, picking out the perfect specimen to carve. We never had the money for fancy costumes, but my parents always helped us make homemade ones or put together what we wanted to be. I miss the excitement of Halloween, and the feeling I got wandering the neighborhood with my siblings and filling my bag with treats.

In the winter you couldn’t stop us. We would still play outside until our faces were pink and our lips were chapped. I miss the snow days with my siblings. We would wake up with such excitement at the white powder on the ground, and we would bundle up, dashing out the door. Hours were spent in the cold making snowmen, and having snowball fights, and sledding. We would play until our clothes would soak through and then we would peel them off and warm up to hot coco and snow cream and a fire.
I miss the feeling of Christmas. It used to be so magical. I miss the sleepless night of Christmas Eve where we couldn’t sleep until 4 in the morning, and then we would wake up at six and dash to get our parents for the presents. I miss the good food and the candlelight services and my dad reading us the story of baby Jesus.

I miss dress shopping in spring for Easter. My grandmother always wanted to get us new Easter Dresses. I miss the warm sunny days with the family and the Easter egg hunts and smashing confetti eggs on my siblings heads. I miss watching the flowers bloom with the excitement that summer was coming. I miss the playing and the scrapes and bruises of a good time with my friends and my brothers and sisters. I miss being carefree.

I don’t know why i’m reminiscing. I guess it’s because everything has changed. There’s no going back I know, but what I wouldn’t give for just one more day like that. One more day before the world showed its teeth and became subject to its brutality.

One more day please.
I’m so sad.

Wish me luck I guess.
– G

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