Repetitive thoughts. They kill me.
One of the most frustrating and constant symptoms of my mental health is my racing thoughts. Sometimes it is so bad that my head starts to throb because my brain can’t even think as fast as it needs to in order to repeat, repeat, repeat.
In therapy the other day my therapist mentioned hypnosis and meditation. He wanted to try some out, help relax me, calm me, tune into my subconscious mind.I was fine with it. I wanted to try it out.
I moved to the big arm chair and he reclined me back. As I closed my eyes he told me to take some deep breaths and he said he would start by counting back from ten in order to slowly relax me before getting into the hypnosis.
I’ve had some struggles with numbers in the past, but I thought “okay I can do this,” because i’ve done counting meditation before. But then he added to it.
“I want you to really focus on the numbers as I say them. I want you to repeat them slowly in your head, and in your mind I want you to trace the number ahead of the number I’m on. So when I say 10, you will trace 9 over and over in your mind.”
I tensed instantly at that. My mind perked up at the mention of 9, but not in a good way.
I can’t do this, I thought as my mind began to chant that number over and over. He was talking to me, but I couldn’t listen because all I could do was say nine over and over in my head. It kept getting faster and faster. I was tracing it so fast, mind stuck, unable to focus on anything else as the number nine consumed my every being once again.
I wanted to ask him to stop, to say can we please use something other than numbers. Can we please change the exercise. But I haven’t talked to him about any of my obsessions other than trich, and I didn’t know how to bring it up. I didn’t want to explain when I don’t even know why it happens.
When he moved on to the next number I tried to as well. “8. I like 8’s. Think 8, trace 8.” I tried my best to focus on the number 8, but every time I traced it in my mind it felt wrong. I would have to draw it one way and then the other and then start from the middle and then do it super fast, and in between all that my mind kept slipping back to the number 9.
It was not relaxing. It felt like hell. Eventually I did get into a form of relaxation and some tension eased away, but for a while my mind was consumed with numbers that were cycling over and over and over in my head. Never ending, never right, never quick enough.
Someone tell me i’m crazy.
Wish me luck I guess.