“i want to do things just not with you”

I’m annoyed. Like.. so annoyed.
My head hurts because I need stupid nicotine because I can’t cope with my problems and have been sucking down cigarettes like it’s a job. I guess I realize now how easy it is to become dependent on these cancer sticks. I haven’t even been smoking for two weeks and I already find myself relying on them to get me through the day.

The worst part of it all is that I don’t even want to stop. I don’t want to be addicted, but I also don’t want to not smoke. I enjoy the act of smoking. I like the nicotine buzz, even though I know that will eventually go away once my body gets used to it all. I just don’t know what else to do. They’re called unhealthy coping mechanisms for a reason, but damn can I not have at least one bad way to handle my stress? Being responsible all the time is exhausting, and frankly I’m not here for it.

We lost our best friend emojis. Mine was a honey pot and yours a lemon. We didn’t even mean to and you’re the one who pointed it out. We were both pretty upset about it, but i’m more annoyed because I had been trying to keep it going, but you were being so negligent about snapping me, spending hours and hours of time in between our communication. I’m not going to just stop talking to other people because you are taking too long to respond, and all these guys in my phone have been hitting me up constantly. I’m not surprised they booted you out of the best friend seat. You say you want it back, and I do too, but is that even a good idea? It will take over two months for us to get those emojis back. That’s two months of making you my most spoken to individual when we are hardly speaking our truths at all.

You’re making me mad. Not just because of the emoji thing, but just everything. You’re life seems to have grown so much more fun since you ditched me. You do things every single weekend now. You’re always going out. For months we did nothing but sit on your couch and rewatch shows that we had both already seen. Now you’re on the town, you’re fishing, you’re even taking stupid fucking trips and doing stupid fun things. Are you just happier now that i’m not a part of the festivities, or are you trying to distract yourself, or did you just not want to do things with me because I was always asking to do stuff? I guess you didn’t really mean “I don’t want to go do things.” What you really meant was “I don’t want to go do things with you.” Well screw you for that. Screw you for everything.

I think my therapist hates you. Well.. hate is a strong word I suppose, but he did not seem impressed by the things I was telling him at our last session. He said that you don’t get to tell me how much you miss me, and all that other crap, and you know what? He’s right. I’m supposed to move on and you’re over here begging me to stay, but only to stay in the way that you want me to. It’s selfish, and I can’t say i’m not selfish because I know I can be but this is just.. Ugh so frustrating.

I’m so torn between telling you to fuck off out of my life and holding on to whatever little strings we may have left.
My therapist wants me to focus on growing into a better version of myself. He told me to write about the bad things that this is bringing me, but also to write about the good things and the things I am learning that I want for myself.
He’s right, and I’m going to write about both, and I’m probably going to rip you to shreds in the process.

Wish me luck.
– G

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