pause button

Two weeks down still miserable.
I wish I could just disappear.
When there is a situation and only 2 out of the 20 possible scenarios are positive then whats the chance a positive one will happen?
You know… life should really have a pause button. A button you can press that will just take you out of the moment, give you a chance to relax.
I guess a button like that would be dangerous though because you may find yourself using it all the time. I guess that is kind of what disassociation is. You detach yourself from reality because reality is too much to take in. Your just brain goes into shut down mode. Everything is weird.

It’s my first official day of spring break. I don’t exactly know what to do with myself. From the looks of it i’m going to spend my break working and fucking random guys and crying over you and drinking. Seems fun right? Not.

I downloaded a dating app thinking in the least I can get some attention, and maybe i’ll even get some satisfying sex although I’ve only had satisfying sex like twice in my life, both times with Lil Chip. The thing about these guys is they’re all big talk, but none of them actually care about me. Can you even have good sex if the other person doesn’t care about you? They wont care if i’m in pain or don’t like something. They wont understand that I really really hate doggy style or that I don’t want them to throat fuck me. I don’t even have the sex drive of most people, so why do I always do this? I know I don’t have anything to prove. I know I can pull guys if I want to. And it’s not even to be petty or to show off because honestly I don’t even want you to know i’m talking to these guys. I know how it would make you feel, and I don’t want to hurt you like that.

I keep having vivid nightmares. I’ve stopped posting about them up here that much, but maybe i’ll start again.

Why do people feel so comfortable opening up to me? You tell me all these traumas from your life, the deeper stuff creeps into conversation and you indulge, but I am not prepared to give back what you are giving me. I am not an open book. I don’t want to talk about myself. Normally I don’t care if people tell me all about there lives. I just store that information encase I ever need it, but this feels a little different. I almost feel.. guilty when you tell me things because you obviously want something from me that I don’t think I am prepared to give. I want to hide away from it all.

I want to press pause, but there is no pause, only stop and go. Maybe I should just press stop.

Wish me luck I guess..
– G

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