i’m so bored i think i’ll…

Days spent all alone are so hard.
I have no one to talk to about anything. All of my issues are just in my own head constantly and honestly it’s exhausting.
There aren’t enough distractions in the world to help me. Being alone at my apartment gives me too much time to think. Walking around aimlessly outside gives me too much time to think. Scrolling through social media is boring and toxic. Playing games is a waste of time.
I need to do things, but I have no energy or motivation.
Everything just sucks.
I’m trying so hard to be a more optimistic person, but constantly redirecting thoughts is so draining.
My life just seems so pointless.
Do you realize how many days we spend just doing the same things over and over? It isn’t that great. Like seriously what is the point? To see people you love? Big whoop. To force yourself into a constant battle with money? No thanks. To feel like crap most days just for that one occasional day where you’re happy? Yeah i’ll pass.
I stare at my phone constantly waiting for it to buzz with a message from you. My days are spent trying to get you out of my head while also trying to keep you in my life. I wait for you to want to see me.
I am exhausted.
My life revolved around you so heavily. I’m a planner and you were planned into my future. Every decision took you into account. Now that I don’t have that I don’t know what to do. I feel like what little plans I had for my life have crumbled away.
I wait for notifications from people that confirm I have some value in others lives. That someone cares about me, misses me, wants to talk to me.
Why do I need so much affirmation from others? Why do I have to play the role of the girl who doesn’t care when in reality I care deeply?
This front is getting old, but I can not be vulnerable enough to just show my true colors.
I’m trying to choke down relationships with people who don’t give me any substance. It’s like taking medicine that makes you sick, repulsive.
I’m so bored. What can entertain me? What can help me? I don’t have the money for constant stimulation.
I don’t know what I need.
Everything is wrong.
If I go to a new school I’ll just be bored and stressed and over the course work.
If I move away from here I’ll just be bored and alone.
If I get back with you I’ll just be bored and frustrated.
If I kill myself I’ll just be bored and dead.
Honestly nothing seems like the right answer. I wish there was a book that explained to me what exactly to do with myself in order to have a life i’ll enjoy. I wish there were notes from the future telling me that things work out, that they get better.
Will they ever? It doesn’t seem that way.
Existence bores me.

Wish me luck I guess.
– G

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