days with your x

I actually wont call you my ex. Not really because i don’t like it, don’t like the way it sounds. At most I will say my past or previous boyfriend because yeah maybe your really are my ex boyfriend, but you aren’t my ex friend and you certainly aren’t my ex love.
You are still my friend, and I still love you.

It’s the same both ways.

I saw you yesterday. First time spending time with you in nearly 2 weeks, and ohmygosh it was so great to see you. I probably hugged you way too long when I first showed up, but there is no way to long for us.
I felt relieved, you felt awkward.
Okay, well I can’t say I didn’t feel a little awkward. I was just so glad to be with my best friend again that I didn’t care about the awkwardness.
I would have swallowed all of my emergency pills if it meant spending time with you. (I did take one before I went, and I had one on standby)

The trip was good. You drove me around in your new nice ass car. A 2018 Camry that you got basically new. We drove for 45 minutes to an hour sometimes silent sometimes talking. We did talk about us. You tried to explain some of the feelings you had in our relationship. You told me that you felt like a fake version of yourself at points, like you were living a life that wasn’t yours. You said closer to the end you had stopped giving it your all, and then the last two weeks you had stopped trying at all. That was something I definitely noticed. I think that is why I was having such a hard time figuring out what my problem was. I didn’t know how hard you had pumped the breaks, and I was confused because things seemed so off.
I told you that I feel like you only loved me for a few months, and asked if it was ever real. You said you said “That’s not true. I did love you. I love you up until.. right now.”
That sentence alone hurt me a million ways, but also made me feel better. He said it was hard to understand and I agreed. I told him how I felt we did have a connection, how we had something great, but I also agreed that we need to grow as people. We need to experience life, learn ourselves, get out in the world.

We talked briefly about the possibility of a future for us. We both agreed that we could not see a life without eat other, and that we could see ourselves coming back together romantically one day if our growth led us in that direction, but we also said that we didn’t want to try and develop ourselves into the proper people for each other, we wanted to develop ourselves into a better version of us, and if those us’s end up being great for each other well then who are we to deny it? And if those us’s don’t end up together, well, who are we to deny it?

I really want to work on myself, become a better version of myself. And I want you to discover yourself, branch out, learn yourself, but I can’t lie and say that I don’t see much of a future for myself. I want to hold on to life for you and with you, but if I’m holding on to life just hoping that it will be spent with you am I really growing for myself? Am I really making myself happy?

You asked if I have hoes, or boys, or whatever in my phone. You told me to do what makes me happy. They don’t make me happy. What if the thing that makes me happiest is not existing at all?

Would you tell me to do what makes me happy if you knew that? Would you want me to be my happiest then?

Wish me luck I guess.
– G

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