I have never felt a pain like this.
It aches and groans and consumes me. It is as if every fiber of my being is in mourning. Even my cells cry.
I am drowning in misery, in my own mind, but every life saving float I had has drifted too far away. One unfeeling, one preoccupied, one abandoned.
It seems that no one will help you. No one will save you. You have to save yourself. I don’t know if I have the strength.
It gets worse every time your heart breaks, and you my dear were like no other. I can not picture, fathom, imagine a life without you, let a life without you is what I am getting.
I don’t even want to look at my phone because without you it feels empty. No more radiant smile, no more words of encouragement, no more I love yous.
They say don’t make someone your everything because when you lose them you’ll have nothing left, but how could I not do that with you. Over 4 years of friend ship, best friends growing together, learning each other, making it through life. You ingrained yourself into every aspect of my existence. You are my past, you are my present, and you were supposed to be my future.
I truly do not understand. Less than a month ago we were good. We were thriving and so in love. It was all happiness and early mornings in bed and thinking about our future house, our future children. Now that is all gone in an instant, and I am angry at myself for not trying harder, for not saying more, for letting you do this.
I should have refused to allow it. I should have sat there and asked you why this, why now? What happened to our everything? What happened to we can get through anything.
I said that if we ever broke up it would not be because we were not in love, but because we stopped trying. And we did, we did stop trying. Or at least you did. I think that is the worst part. You admitted that you didn’t want to try anymore.You were tired. You couldn’t be yourself with me. The girl you once claimed motivated you and made you better was now the thing holding you back from change and growth. You turned her into the problem when she should have been part of the solution.
I said what about trying? I know we have issues and we aren’t perfect, but so does everyone else. We said we would work on it.
You said “I don’t want to work on it.”
If 2 weeks is all it takes for you to decide that we aren’t worth working toward then you are not the man that I thought I knew. Years of love and growth thrown away for a month of grievance.
You tell me it wasn’t just recently. You say it has been our entire relationship that I shut you down, that you could not be yourself. Why lie to me then? Why tell me I make you better when I don’t? You say I never listened to you, but you’re the one who never really listened to me.
You could give me no examples of the times you spoke of. How can something happen for over a year and you can not even think of one time.
I wanted to motivate you, push you, do things with you, grow with you, experience life with you.
You wanted to eat hot pockets and sit on your couch every weekend watching Netflix and playing video games.
Why is it wrong of me to want more than that? Why is it wrong of me to ask for some excitement, some adventure. Why do you want the quiet town with the white picket fence and the average children?
You say you thought we were alike, but you’ve realized now we are two different people. Two different people whose stars did not align. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I will be happier without you in the long run, but all I know right now is that I want you, and I was willing to work through anything for us.
I hate that you weren’t.
I want this pain to stop.