yo-yo medicating

Myyyyyy anxiety is super bad and my depression is coming back yay!!!!!!!

So I have currently been off my medication for almost two weeks. I know I know, G take your meds goddammit! Well it isn’t that simple. I was on my parents insurance, but when the company my dad worked for got sold he lost our insurance, and therefore I had to pay full price for my medication which if I refilled all the prescriptions I need right now would be over $300. He has said he is going to get new insurance and put me back on it, but as of now that has not happened, and I ran out of some of my meds like three weeks ago and the others about a week ago. Up to that point I had been taking less than half of my prescribed dose to try and stretch it out, but stretching only goes but so far.

So yeah. I’ve definitely felt my anxiety creeping back up on me. Also I have felt super duper off lately, and it just hit me tonight that it may be my depression coming back up. I think that I have been so busy that I just haven’t acknowledged it, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.

My moods have been insane lately. One second I’ll be totally fine and the next I’ll be fuming mad for no reason ready to go off on someone or do irrational things and then the next minute i’m crying. Lil chip has been getting frustrated because I will just be in awful moods for no reason and he doesn’t get why. He says i’m “making myself mad for no reason” and the other day he started yelling at me asking what my deal was because I was being stand offish or something. The reality is that I am just in horrible moods and I feel stupid and bad because I can not explain why i’m so angry or sad I just am.

Also, I have been feeling weird about our relationship more recently. I don’t know what the problem is. I feel bored of it, or I get mad and feel like he doesn’t care about me, or I feel detached from him. I feel like we aren’t connecting. I feel like he doesn’t want to. I think about breaking up with him every day, but yet I get worried he’s going to break up with me every day or at least when he gets tired of my mood swings. I’m also back on my fear that he’s cheating. Like my brain swears up and down that he is cheating on me and I really don’t know why. I have no idea why I get stuck on that. Probably because of past experiences I don’t know, but I have no proof that he is and so I don’t just want to accuse him. It’s probably my anxiety being ridiculous, but I just can’t shake the thought.

Everything is just so frustrating. I wish I could have a normally functioning brain. I wish I didn’t need medication to exist properly. I had hopes that I would get off meds eventually even though my doctor said she thinks i’ll need to be on them for life. Now i’m starting to think she might be right. I can’t even handle two weeks before I start to spiral again.

Oh well.. wish me luck I guess.
– G

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